


Silent Lucidity

by brodylover



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 14:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brodylover/pseuds/brodylover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is found frozen in the snow outside of the batcave. He has the angel tablet with him and Naomi on his heels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silent Lucidity

It was snowing. It was actually closer to a blizzard and it had been for a long time. There would be no hunting, the Impala didn’t have snow tires and even if she did there was no way Dean was going to dig her out of the snow just to drive through all of the crazies and snow just to go shoot at some ghosts or something.   
They were having a day off.   
They bundled up in more layers than usual, hats, and scarves, and left the batcave. They left their phones behind too, not wanting to get them soaked. Within minutes they were shivering and the snowman (Dean’s idea) was not going to get finished. The snow was still falling and their gloves had soaked through.   
In an attempt to warm up Dean took the head of the snowman and threw it, hard, at Sam. It was childish and stupid, but they needed this sometimes and Sam was laughing pretty quickly. They were running then, picking up snow and throwing poor excuses of snow balls at one another. It was a childhood they’d never had.   
When Sam tripped over something, they didn’t think about it. There were a lot of things buried in the snow. They kept playing. It wasn’t until they were soaked through, not even the adrenaline keeping them warm that they noticed the pink ice showing through from where Sam had knocked some snow away in his fall.   
That was when Dean grew interested, started to push more snow away in an attempt to see what it was. Eventually, he dug up a tan shoulder, and he called out, working more hurriedly, Sam had his side.   
Cas’ hair was frozen and there was frostbite attacking his nose, lips, and fingers. His eyes were frozen shut. There was an angel blade buried deep in his gut, his blood turning the snow to ice around the wound. He wasn’t moving. Dean tried to find his pulse but he couldn’t his shoulders pulled up too high to expose any part of his throat. He was breathing though, just barely, and that was something.   
Sam was the one who picked him up, held him tight against his chest, while Dean ran back to the batcave, leaving the door open so Sam could bring Cas into the warmth. Dean had to run ahead, make a fire in the library fireplace, had to get towels and bandages and some sharp scissors.   
He set Cas by the fire, on his side so that the angel blade was facing the heat. The angel was curled in on himself, not even able to move, completely frozen and unconscious. The Winchester’s had to work together to pull off his trench coat, having to cut it out of the large block of ice at his gut. From there it was up to Dean to cut the rest of his frozen clothing off of him.   
There had been something else out there in the snow and Sam had to go out and dig it up alone. It was a brown backpack, nothing significant about it, and it felt mostly empty. When he brought it back in, setting it beside Cas, the angel was nude other than his soaked and frozen white briefs. The blade was still embedded, but they wouldn’t be able to pull that out until it had thawed.   
Cas still wasn’t moving but now, Dean was hardly moving as well. They had dried him as best they could and now Dean was just sitting there, beside him, staring off into space. He was practically useless. The only movement he gave was a slight stroke to Cas’s hair, his fingers separating the ice there. That left Sam to fetch the blankets to cover Cas with, hopefully to warm him up some.   
“Why don’t you make some soup?” he asked, forcing Dean to pay attention, “Warm him up from the inside?”  
Dean just nodded and sighed, “Yeah, okay.” He kneeled forward though, fingers leaving hair and checking once more for a pulse. His face was dangerously close to Cas’s and Sam cocked an eyebrow at him. “He’s not Sleeping Beauty.” He mocked, “He’s not going to wake up if you kiss him.”  
Dean glared at him but rose, turning on his heel to walk out of the room.   
He was mad, of course he was. Cas should have called, should have let them know he was in trouble. That was when he saw his phone, still sitting on the kitchen counter. Maybe he had called. Maybe he had and they were too dumb to know, having left their phones inside. He pressed at the keys, finding that he had three messages.   
“Dean?” Cas sounded nervous, scared, “This isn’t a time for you to not answer your phone. THEY are after me. THEY are probably after you too. THEY aren’t angels, I don’t know what they are but Naomi was not an angel. That means the sigils I carved on your ribs isn’t going to hide you from them.   
“I’m in trouble. I may have to come to you for help. I hope that you are not still displeased with me. I don’t want you to be angry… or afraid of me. I hope you can forgive me.”  
Dean’s gut felt hard, guilt curling in his stomach. He listened to the second call, “Dean! THEY found me! There seems to be five of them. I’m terribly outnumbered. I don’t know how to kill them.”  
The phone made a clacking sound as if it had been dropped. All Dean could hear were some grunts and angel blades slamming together. Then he heard a loud scream, so loud that Dean had to pull away from the phone. That was Cas. Then it was just panting, getting too close to the phone. “Dean…”  
Dean could hardly click to listen to the third message. His eyes were full, his nose dripping. He should have been there, he should have answered the phone. He should have been there for Cas.  
“Dean…” Cas sounded pained and cold and it was taking him a long time to get his words out, “Dean. I’m… I’m okay… Don’t be scared… I’m here. I don’t know where here is… I went to where you prayed… Where you’ve been praying for a… while. I. I think I… miscalculated… It’s snowing… I’m so cold Dean. Please. Please answer your phone. I’m sorry for… what I did. I didn’t mean to. I wish I could. Change things… Please don’t. Don’t hate me. I’m sorry.”  
And the phone clicked off. There were tears streaming down Dean’s face. He almost dropped the phone, his disgust in himself so strong he couldn’t even stand it. Cas had been out there, had needed them. The calls had come before they were out but his phone had been dead. He hadn’t charged it in too long. Cas didn’t have Sam’s new number.   
Cas probably wouldn’t have called Sam anyway.  
He looked back into the library, wiping his face so Sam wouldn’t see the tears there. Cas was still on his side facing the fire, but Sam was taking care of him. He had made him into a burrito with all of their blankets.   
Before Sam could notice that he was watching he ducked back into the kitchen. It was well stocked with cookbooks, which was good. Dean had no idea how to go about making soup.  
Sam didn’t look in the bag. He was dying of curiosity, reaching for it a few times. Cas had heard them though, talking behind his back, saying he was shady. He probably didn’t trust them because of that. What else had they said that he’d overheard. No, he would leave Cas’s things be, give him a reason to trust them.   
He left the angel in front of the fire, where his body was starting to thaw out, his limbs more relaxed. He headed to the bathroom, turned on the tap to the bathtub and plugged it up. The fire wasn’t warming Cas up fast enough. 

“He’s not warm enough.” Dean sighed, sitting beside Cas, who was covered once more in all of their blankets. He was now toweled dry and in Dean’s bed – Dean had demanded it, even though his room wasn’t closest to the bathroom. He was stroking Cas’s cheek. It was a lot warmer but it was still far too cold for his liking.  
“There’s not much more we can do for him.” Sam stated, leaning in the doorframe, cleaning the angel blade. He had pulled it out of Cas while he was in the bathtub, the hot water thawing the ice.   
The angel’s skin was black and peeling off in areas, frostbite attacking his face and fingers and toes. If it weren’t for his mojo Dean was sure that he would be disfigured. They would’ve had to cut off all of the damaged spots if he’d been mortal.   
“So now what?” he asked. He couldn’t stop staring at Cas, couldn’t stop worrying.  
“Now we wait.”  
Dean sighed. He didn’t want to wait. He wanted Cas to wake up, he wanted to apologize, he wanted him to know that he never blamed him for attacking him in the crypt. 

When Cas finally woke up he was groggy and lost, a bit confused. He hadn’t expected to wake up. The first thing he noticed upon waking was that he was hot, much too hot, stacks of blankets on top of him.   
The second thing was a hand on his cheek. It wasn’t a romantic gesture or anything, there was just a hand held out, palm down, knuckles touching his stubble. He followed the arm up to Dean, who had fallen asleep, head on the blankets.   
Cas smiled a small little smile. He was being watched over, he was being taken care of.   
But then the dread grew inside of him. He thought maybe he should leave before the human woke up, before Dean showed how angry he was. They probably needed him for something, that was why he had been brought in.   
He couldn’t believe that they would bring him in because they cared.  
Dean grumbled and moved, starting to wake up, feeling Cas shift against him. The angel looked around, tried to figure out how to get out of there, but he couldn’t leave. His bag was still out there in the snow.   
“Cas.” Dean hummed, rubbing his eyes. He finally took his hand away from the angel.   
“Hello Dean.” Cas stared at his fingers, still lying down. He couldn’t look Dean in the eye.   
“How are you feeling?” Dean didn’t touch him, he wanted to touch him. He couldn’t though. Cas looked delicate like this, more than a little bit hurt.  
“You don’t want to know.”  
“Yeah, I do.”  
Cas winced, burying the back of his head into the pillow, “I have a headache. I am much too hot. I should be dead. I feel despondent. I don’t want to be here. I feel regret and shame and disgust in myself for what I have done. I don’t want to move but I want to be anywhere and everywhere else.”  
Dean reached out, finally did touch Cas, the back of his hand on Cas’s forehead. “Of course you have a headache and are hot. You’re sick. Spend that much time. Out in... the cold. You get. Sick…” the last few words got stuck in his throat as his cheeks turned red and his eyes filled with tears. He wiped them away hurriedly, he wasn’t going to cry.   
Cas didn’t want to be here. Cas didn’t want to be with him, with Sam. He didn’t care like Dean cared. Maybe Naomi was right.   
“I don’t want you to leave, Cas.” He finally said although his voice still quivered, “I don’t want you to hate yourself or think you’re not good enough.” Cas stared at him, still not making eye contact but closer. “I want you to stop atoning. I want you to feel proud of yourself. I want… I want you to be okay.”  
Cas reached out then, placed his hand over Dean’s where it sat on the bed.   
“I can’t do that Dean. I’ve been so bad, did so many terrible things. Naomi and the others, they are after me for what I did. They’re after you too. I don’t know how they haven’t found you.”  
“Just lucky, I guess.”  
“There’s no such thing as luck.”  
Dean’s hand turned clutched at Cas’s. The angel was going to leave, was going to vanish. He couldn’t let that happen, not after everything that’s happened.  
“I’m sorry, Cas. I should have been there. I should have been there to help you. I should never have let you go with the tablet in the first place. I should have kept you safe. I got your messages, my phone was dead. I’m such an idiot Cas, I ‘m sorry, I should have had it charges, I’m so so sorry. I heard them. I heard everything you said. I just. I failed you Cas.”  
Cas was finally making eye contact, the fear gone and replaced with confusion and worry. It was hardly anything, just a spark of emotion, but Dean could read it.   
He couldn’t stop rambling though, his throat closing up as he did.   
“I don’t understand, okay? Naomi was here she told me you didn’t care that you weren’t loyal to us. I don’t know who to believe. I want to believe you. I just. I’m so lost and I’m so sorry. You should never have felt the need to leave. You should never have felt like you had to protect the tablet from me. I don’t want you to feel like what happened in the crypt was your fault. It wasn’t. I knew that wasn’t you. I’m not mad. I just want you back. I want Cas back.”  
Cas was clutching at his fingers. It hurt but Dean didn’t let on. He was still holding himself back, if he hadn’t his hand would be broken, but he was clutching. He was desperate. He needed to hear this. If he had been more emotional, if he wasn’t a goddamn angel, he would be a puddle right now, having melted from his tears.   
Instead he stared at Dean and tried not to at the same time, not knowing what to say.  
Then he sneezed.   
It was so peculiar, a small high pitched sneeze coming from something so powerful, at such an emotional time. Dean couldn’t help but laugh. It was a real laugh, the one he didn’t do very much anymore.   
Cas was okay. He could make Dean laugh and that was good.   
Dean, when finally able to breathe again, pulled out his phone and texted Sam.   
“What are you doing?” Cas asked, curious.  
“I made you soup.” Dean smiled, “I’m making Sam get it for you.”  
“You cook?”  
“Yeah, Cas. I cook now. This is our home. We have a home, Cas, and this is my room. We’re settling down. You can settle down in it too, if you want.”  
Cas thought about that, “So you’re giving up on hunting… good.”  
“No. We still hunt. But it’s less now and after we close Hell it will be even less.”  
“AHEM” Sam cleared his throat from where he towered in the doorway. The two men let go of each other, not realizing that they were still holding hands. “Am I interrupting something?”  
“Nah, we’re good.” Dean smiled. “Cas has a bit of a fever, but I think he’s going to make it.”  
Sam was holding a large tray in his hand. There was a big mug of tea on it as well a bowl of soup and some saltines.   
Dean stood, helping Cas into a sitting position, back against the headboard, and Sam placed the tray in his lap. Cas looked at the soup and then back up to Sam.  
“Thank you, Sam.” He stated seriously, “My apologies for being such a burden, to both of you.”  
Sam was awkward in the doorframe. Everything was hurting. They had been for a while, but with Cas hypothermic it had been a distraction. “No problem.”  
“Sam?” Cas was reaching out to him. Sam didn’t know what to do about that but he stepped forward, let Cas touch his wrist, hold onto it like he needed support. Then Cas groaned and stiffened and all of the pain in Sam’s joints and veins faded away.  
Sam pulled away when it was all over, “Oh, wow, thanks, Cas.”  
“What?” Dean looked from one to the other, “What happened?”  
Cas sighed, breathing hard, “It’s true I cannot fix your brother, Dean, but I am able to mask the pain.”  
“You shouldn’t have done that, Cas.” Sam argued, “You’re sick and wounded, you should be keeping your mojo to yourself.”  
“Dean is tired of me atoning but it has become a bit of a habit for me.”  
Sam and Dean just stared at each other as Cas tried the soup before him. It was mostly broth but there were some noodles, carrots, celery, and onions in there as well. Dean didn’t know how strong Cas would be when he woke up, so broth was the safest.  
“Oh.” Sam finally spoke up, filling in the awkward silence, “I found that bag of yours. It was buried in the snow near you.”  
Cas perked up, staring at him. “You didn’t-“  
“No, I didn’t open it.” Sam shook his head, smiling a little, “It’s by the fire, drying out.”  
“Why didn’t you open it?” he looked over to Dean, squinting.  
“We already know what’s in it.” Dean explained, “It’s the angel tablet, right?”  
“All the more reason for you to have opened it. I know you want it.”  
“Not as much as we want you to know that we’re on your side.” Sam leaned against the wall but stopped when Dean glared at him. No leaning on the walls.   
“Cas, why do you need to protect it from us? From me especially?” Dean asked.  
“Because I know you.” Cas explained. “I know you want to take it to Kevin, have it translated, and then you will close the gates to Heaven like you are attempting to do with Hell.”  
“Yeah, but isn’t that a good thing?”  
Cas went silent, turning away from them both. He stared over at the wall of blades, but he didn’t look at them. He couldn’t look at anything. His chest was aching, a true, physical pain, and he just wanted to climb inside of himself so the Winchester’s couldn’t see.  
Of course, Dean was an idiot, he hadn’t even thought this through. He hadn’t realized what closing the gates would mean, not entirely. Cas did and when he reacted as such Dean finally understood.  
“I don’t want to go back.” Cas’s shoulders hugged his ears as his hands rose to cover his face, “I can’t go back. Please, please don’t make me go back. After everything I’ve done, after what Naomi and the others have done to me, it would be Hell. I would be tortured for eternity for my crimes. Please-“  
Dean grabbed his hands though, turned him so that he was looking back at him. Cas’s eyes were red. Yeah, if he was human he would be sobbing. Dean stared into those eyes, trying to relay just how he felt about this whole situation to Cas.   
“Isn’t there some way to keep you, Cas?” he pleaded, “Isn’t there some loophole?”  
“What if you were human?” Sam offered.   
No. That was terrible. Dean couldn’t get out of his mind 2014, the broken and human thing that Cas had become. He didn’t want that to happen. He had and would continue to keep Cas from becoming that. And being human was such a big part of it.   
“I could. But…” Cas closed his eyes, “I would not be useful. It would be pain and agony and worthlessness. I would be more of a burden to you than ever before. I would not be needed.”  
Dean dropped his hands and they fell into the angel’s lap. His eyes were itching with tears as well now. “You’ll never not be needed Cas. I need you. I don’t care what you are, I need you. We’ll find Kevin, get the tablet translated and, if we can find a loophole, we’ll take it. If not. I’m not going to lose you Cas.”  
The angel stared at him, not sure what he’s saying.  
“I couldn’t stand to lose you again.” Dean clarified.  
Cas smiled hesitantly. “And I don’t want to be lost anymore.”


End file.
